I moved to Melbourne at the precipice of turning forty. A new city, a new country, a new life stage waiting to be explored. Between starting a practice and finding a place to live, my birthday got pushed out of sight with little thought to celebrating the coming decade.
It didn’t help that the men in my life didn’t talk about reaching midlife. Mostly, because I would be the first across the line. Strangely, the closer the cliff’s edge came, the more the algorithm fed me its opinion on my life. What I can only describe as midlife-misinformation: the internet produces content for middle-aged men that falls into two categories.
One, the humorous tikety-tok clips on the waiting aches and pains from sleeping in the wrong position. Or two, in stark contrast, the peptide bros in a calorie deficit advocating for aesthetic aging and high sex drives. But what about the mediocre middle-aged men like me? What about the men who still feel sort of alive with some uncertainty around turning forty and beyond? What about middle-aged gay men and our life experiences? Or do we evaporate into a walk-in closet coming out for special occasions only?
I’ve seen many gay men in their twenties dreading turning thirty. Then dreading turning forty and so it goes. Turning forty can be a rude awakening for some of us, as how others view our value shifts when we become men of a certain age. The panic is never about the number; it is about what it symbolises to us.
Midlife is a major adjustment, a second adolescence, and it is okay to be thrown off balance by the changes it brings. For gay men, midlife also magnifies our life trajectories, experiences, and expectations of our future selves. Sometimes we do not meet ourselves with kindness when we reflect on our lives.
As a man of a certain age myself now, I want to encourage you to embrace midlife and curiously explore what the next half of your life can be like.
As a psychologist, I started Talkingmate, adding a third option in the limited search results, to find YOUR opinion about your life and what you want to do. Turning forty can be a stage of celebration and change, not something to dread.
Be courageous, start exploring your life.
With you on this rollercoaster,
Werner